11378 replies to this topic

[Shaz]

 

Seems OK.

 

Why would Dino get his own stuff knocked off?

 

Short film yeah?

 

 

 

Just needs some skids.

 

Yeah, short film. 

 

So, the idea behind it, is that Dino plans to get his own stuff knocked off, so it doesn't get delivered to shady cop, and then he can blame shady cop on setting him up.

 

The rich don't get rich, legit. 

[skillionaire]

You have a million loose ends as I read it. 

When do we first meet the shady cop?

How did Ryder's father die (tied in with Dino? mates but not mates when money is afoot?)

*furious (How you mispelled this after reading a Fast and the Furious script all week, I'll never know)

I think you need to trim the story line down to bare bones. There's far too much going on for mine. 

[Shaz]

I'm glad you asked Nik. I've actually written the shady cop into the very first scene. 

 

Camera shows 2 men sitting down at an interrogation table inside a police station. You cannot see their full faces, just their mouths talking. 1 man has a cigarette in his hand, as the camera shows him ashing every now and again. 

RYDER

So here you are. Tell me, was it hard?

POLICEMAN

And here you are. We finally caught up with you. Was it hard? Yes. Very much so. 

POLICEMAN is seen taking a microphone from the table and turning it off. Smoke arises from RYDERS cigarette.

POLICEMAN (CONT’D)

Now that we have the microphone turned off, and we are off the record, tell me all about it. 

A sigh groan is heard from RYDER. He ashes his cigarette.

RYDER

God, where do I begin. 

The camera focuses on POLICEMANS mouth, still not revealing their eyes or head. It zooms in on the mouth.

POLICEMAN

The beginning. 

FADE OUT.

 

Ryders dad died because of Dino, but Ryder doesn't know that. Plan is to unveil that at some stage between him getting knocked off, and seeking revenge. 

 

edit** dat formatting. It looks good in Final Draft, but copypasta destroys the formatting. You get the idea though

[skillionaire]

I do. How long is it going to be, because I'm looking at like half an hour here.

Also, is Leila hot?

[Shaz]

I'm planning on circa 45mins - 1hr

 

*furious (How you mispelled this after reading a Fast and the Furious script all week, I'll never know)

 

 

I was going for a hitler reference.

[skillionaire]

Iukno homie, I think you should aim for like ten minutes. 

[peteRS]

Howdy all.

 

Lol at *** plates Cam

Nik, a couple of nice Fiats in last nights efforts...sweet.

Jase, Bucket List for sure.

Mark, Worst.

Adam...you headache is a result of $25 ALDI Scotch

[Shaz]

Yeah, you're right. Maybe I'll cut it to around 15mins. 

 

Yeah, I picture Leila as a hot russian bird, who drives something exotic, but isnt afraid to get her hands dirty.

[skillionaire]

Adam...you headache is a result of $25 ALDI Scotch

 

Hahaha, I wasn't going to say it because I thought I'd sound a bit snobby, but yes. You'd be right. 

[peteRS]

@Shaz...Story sounds ok, but kind of extremely familiar. You'll need a real point of difference if you want it to work.

Keep in mind, too, that 1 page of screenplay = approx 1 minute of Film...Pretty easy to pen yourself an Epic.

[skillionaire]

Yeah, you're right. Maybe I'll cut it to around 15mins. 

 

Yeah, I picture Leila as a hot russian bird, who drives something exotic. 

 

I like the concept. You can tell you're a gamer. 

[Shaz]

Okay, so simplified. 

 

Act 1:

Ryder is given cargo to run from Dino. 

 

Act 2:

Cargo is stolen by Hunter, Teams up with Leila. Finds Hunter, whole stole the goods. Perceived intially as a bad dude, but turns out Hunter is trying to take Dino down. Explains to Ryder that Dino is dealing with shady cop, who killed his dad. Ryder and Leila understand, and decide to help Hunter take Dino down. 

 

Act 3:

Ryder/Leila/ Hunter uses goods to try and destroy Dino. Fail, but learn something more important?

[simon]

Hey chaps how's things??

[Harry88]

Morning all. Whats new in the GT? Don't feel like reading 17 pages of mindless ramblings.

[peteRS]

How many Short Films have you watched Shaz? Not being rude, but that is a massive amount of information to divulge and make sense of in a short film.  Lots of Short Films are extremely simple in their premiss,

[skillionaire]

Do you want to Occka it up, instead of Americanise it? 

 

"fork me, Sheila, I reckon that was that dirty pig that was on the tele on Sundee"

[peteRS]

Morning Simo, Hazza.

[Shaz]

How many Short Films have you watched Shaz? Not being rude, but that is a massive amount of information to divulge and make sense of in a short film.  Lots of Short Films are extremely simple in their premiss,

 

Nah mate, valid question. I've not watched a HUGE amount. And, I can see where you're coming from, but I suppose the thing I want to convey, is that the storyline on screen comes across simple enough, but there is a detailed backstory that breeds lots of unanswered questions that I want the audience to come to their own conclusions about. 

[peteRS]

Ambitious project Shaz, massive Kudos for having the balls to just spill it on an open forum for critique too, balls.

[Shaz]

I'd rather open it up to you lads prior to writing a dud! 

 

Honestly, harsh critique is the only way you can improve. If somethings shit, and I can't see it, I'd prefer someone to tell me now!